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September 2013

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The things we do to ourselves--Harris again...

Life is so strange...


Avery long time ago...

A very long time ago...


I painted him in my journal, after turning up that sweet photo literally out of nowhere, and it brought him close to me again.  This April it will have been 10 years.

This morning I was looking in my old WordPerfect files, searching for the WP version of some articles I wrote for my CDs, and wondering if I could find any of the old ones on painting or drawing trees that I could adapt for the upcoming Elements of Landscape CD.  I do this fairly often, search through old files for one reason or another...it's a record of my working life going back a lot of years.

I have files going back to 1988, when I was still using WordPerfect 51, in the days of DOS.  There are folders and subfolders, and many of the files I can't access due to a computer glitch sometime in the mid-90s.  I keep hoping to find a way to read them, or I'd delete them.  My new WP offers the option of using WP51 parameters, so I play with it a bit.

Digging through my "Kate" folder,  I found the earlier "Cathy" folder, sandwiched between my more recent persona and my 51 days.  And in that, a file labeled Harris.

It was a journal I kept the first few months after he died.

I don't know why I let myself read it--or made myself, which is closer to the truth.   I HAVE survived, and more than that, so much more.  I am to be married again, to a lovely, wonderful man who supports me in a thousand ways. 


So why am I sitting here in tears?

Comments

Dearest Cathy,
I am coming out of lurkdom because this entry moved me so much. I know that your question is more rhetorical than anything else, but I wanted to try and address it anyway.

I have not lost a husband, but I have held the hands and hearts of friends who have, and walked alongside them as they continued to grieve and continue on with their own individual journeys. One thing I have learned is that a person will grieve for the rest of their life... and that is okay. That grief is honest and real. The two of you became one flesh. There will always be a ghost limb that hurts... and that is okay.

This doesn't in any way, shape, or form diminish the love you feel for your new partner. It simply doesn't. In fact, I think that if anything, it enhances it. You know how fragile, beautiful, and brutal life can be, first hand. You bring that into this new relationship, and it makes each and every moment shine like a jewel. That, my dear, is a beautiful and precious gift.

Hugs and a box of tissue,
Roma
Thank you so much for your compassionate and insightful post, Roma. The ghost limb analogy was perfect...and I believe you're right about treasuring today, knowing how fragile it can be.

The tissues were handy, too.

(Anonymous)

Cara -- I tear with you ... lives lived; lives loved and lost; lives and loves regained ... life's journey .... all of it, when we really think about it .... so so good. beautiful drawing; beautiful words; beautiful man; beautiful lady ....
Thank you, sweet thing. I hope life calms a bit more for you--I know it's been tough lately!
I have not lost an husband or boyfriend or anyone that way, but I have lost friends and relatives. I just know that when a kindred spirit dies (be it a spouse, a parent, a best friend), there is a small part of your sould which dies with them. Because you were kindred spirits, soul mates. It's a part of you who died that day. And a part of them is inside you, making who you are today. and you can't forget about them, they are here forever!
I know it's probably really clichéd, but all I want to say is that you have many yous inside you, and today one of them was sad, but the other one is going to get married! If only, life was easier!
Thank you! Yes, I've always thought how you lose a part of yourself when someone close to you dies. You lose the person you were to them, in some undefinable way. No one will ever call me by the pet names my dad had for me, and I'll never be daddy's girl to anyone again...even though I was in my 30s when my dad died, I missed that. I guess you never stop being your parent's child.

Harris had his pet names for me too, and I became what I was because of our relationship. It took me quite a while to figure out who I was now...so as you say, there are many facets of our personalities inside us.

I'm not sure I'd REALLY want life easier though...might get bored.

My comment

I don't think love vanishes when the person of our affection moves on in any way. In fact, true love never dies. So it is so normal that you were crying... and definitely you still love him, but life goes on. My best wishes on your new life and pleasem enjoy it!! Wish I was loved the way you love him.

http://aracatac.wordpress.com/

Re: My comment

Thank you, I think you're right...and keep looking, love is out there. Sometimes we just need to trust and it will come.

I understand

Hi Kate,
I so understand the tears...for those past lives of ours long gone and tenderly remembered. I don't cry often but treasure the tears when they come and find them sweet, even when I'm sad. I tried to write an email to you when visiting the gallery opening photos but it bounced back. I hope your show and gallery are both very successful--it seems like that's the case. Thanks for the comment on my blog about the workshop I attended. While the class arrangements weren't what I'd hoped for, the teacher was very generous with her knowledge and I did learn some important things from her.

You are such an inspiration in art and love!
Jana
http://www.janabouc.wordpress.com

Re: I understand

I'm very glad the teacher didn't insist you follow the rules exactly, and was still willing to share! Some people just dismiss individual needs--the my-way-or-the-highway teachers get under my skin!

Sorry the email bounced, I have no idea why that happens sometimes...

I'm delighted we have this venue in town for the arts! I hope it brings lots of talent out of the woodwork...we'll have one other new gallery by next month, too, very avant garde young folk that are SO much fun.

I already have things in two of the galleries in town, so I didn't have to worry about the new one, just the fun part--helping out and going to the party!

And thank you for the kind words...